In-n-Out Burger [California]

Oh hail king of burgers. I bow before your might, the glory of your patties, the joy of your special sauce, the freshness of your greens, the vivid shine of your reds, and the toasty bite of your perfect, beautiful buns.

Straight from Socal we have the In-n-out burger. For those of you unfortunate cretins who don't know what In-n-Out is (blasphemer!), it's the fast food joint that makes all other fast food joints look like hapless pieces of shit wrapped in week-old endometrial fluid from a coat-hangered fetus chillin in a pool of NYC subway sewage.

Good luck getting that image out of your head.

In-n-Out is an exclusive chain that limits itself to the West Coast. They serve burgers, fries, milkshakes, and soft drinks in all manner of fashion. They feature a "secret menu" that further elaborates on the regular offerings--triple, quadruple, quintuple patties, "animal" fries, "animal" burgers, extra this, or extra that. It's one hell of a joint.

Did I mention that it's delicious?

Taste:

The best burger I have had (followed by the Royal Red Robin at Red Robin. Can't really go wrong with egg on top of hamburger). Juicy, tasty, fresh, awesome texture...I run out of adjectives, so I'll just describe the ingredients for you.

The key to In-n-Out's success (in my opinion) lies with those fresh ingredients. Their lettuce has a crisp crunch to it. Their tomatoes are remarkably flavorful--much moreso than the crap you get at McD's. Of course, that's not to play down how well they can handle their patties--juicy, dripping, an absolutely delicious mess. In-n-Out is also one of the few burger joints that pays careful attention to toasting their buns. This I think, adds a great deal to their texture, and the overall experience. Not only do you not get caught up in a soggy bun, but there's that delectable crunch that you get with every bite.

The sauce they use is an orange thing, perhaps a combination of mayonnaise, ketchup, and thousand island dressing. It's a very nice, subtle solution that seals all the ingredients together quite pleasurably.

And here's a picture of animal fries:

So they put their special sauce on some fries (same sauce as their hamburgers), cheese, and lots of grilled, diced onions. Your girlfriend may not kiss you after eating this, but your mouth will love you forever. Their fries are made fresh (you can see some poor schmuck in the back cutting up potatoes), and the taste shows it. Each fry is crisp. Not a limp one; none overdone with oil either. I never thought there were such things as "good" fries till In-n-Out before.

Reflections:

Would do again. Many times. This alone is reason to go to California, and I know many people who will support me in saying that. An awesome, awesome experience. Here's a little tidbit too:

Every drink cup at In-n-Out gets a Bible verse! Fascinating huh. Them Christians! They be getting into our foods!

Pig Kidney [Taiwan]

What's up with these countries and the shitholes of the body? Liver, intestine, kidney…the list goes on. The most common explanation I've heard (and I tend to agree) is that these cultures have only recently been able to not waste valuable protein sources like vital organs. Western cultures have an abundance of food not found in other countries, and given the "acquired taste" of some of these organs, they just lost their popularity as simpler meats grew more accessible.

Whatev. On to taste.

Taste:

Kidney, like liver, has a very, very distinct aroma and taste. It might be a tad bitter (maybe a figment of my imagination). It's funny how our expectations of certain things can alter how we experience them.

In any case, I won't try to describe the aroma. Like liver, it is best called "unique" and "pungent." And also like liver, it is also very much an acquired taste.

The texture of kidney is a very interesting thing. You'll notice that there is a crosshatched cut pattern on the meat. Apparently, kidney is so easy to overcook into inedible toughness that cooks score the meat so that it cooks easier. The result is a meat that has a small, soft "snap" to it when bitten--there is relatively little give in the meat as you bite into it before a piece breaks off. It's an interesting texture, and altogether not at all unpleasant.

Reflections:

Not terrible, but not my cup of tea. I've had kidney on several occasions, and have never really gone to take that second piece from the lazy susan. The meat was prepared well as far as I can tell, but it's just too much of an acquired taste. Rather, it's too much of a foreign taste for my American taste buds. Not a bad experience though...

Rice Ball Covered in Peanut Powder [Taiwan]

Doesn't get much more straightforward than this. Congealed rice covered in ground peanuts.

Taste:

Imagine it and you've pretty much got it. Chewy, tasteless rice and yummy, sweet peanut powder.

Reflections:

Great dessert. Nice chew.

Razor Clams [Taiwan]

I'm only writing this one down because I saw it on food network and food network is awesome. They really are shaped like that, though the mussel has popped off its shell so it no longer resembles what it is in the wild (unlike "normal" clams, who tend to stick in their shells).

Taste:

The taste is virtually identical to that of your normal clam. The difference is in texture: where clams have different textures depending on what area you're working on (ranging from tough to tender to mushy guts), razor clams are consistently tender throughout. Or rather, they are consistently meaty throughout, lacking that gutty taste that clams have.

Reflections:

Clams perfected. No other way to put it. None of the downfalls of your average clam. No weird guts; no awkward tastes. Consistent and pleasant throughout. Delicioussss..

Whole Squid [Taiwan]

Emphasis on the "whole." Everyone has had calamari before, but this is the first time I've ever had the whole squid—gooey guts, head, and all. What most people eat (calamari rings) comes from the area between the eyes and the tail fin. Here, the restaurant gave us the whole deal. Times six.

Taste:

Kinda like squid. I started eating from the back—the tail fin end. The first bite was nothing extravagant, and tasted exactly like the rings I've had back home. One exception: an extra long piece of cartilage that slipped out with that bite, spanning the entirety of its main body. Ah yes. Mollusks and their cartilage. So I extracted that messy bit from my teeth and proceeded to take a second bite. This time, I tasted more than calamari. Bitterness. A slight mushiness. Those would be guts. All those things that let a squid keep on swimming. I was able to finish off the rest of it—head and tentacles—in the third bite. More bitter mushiness. More guts. Slightly awkward chewing of tentacles. Stuff stuck in teeth. But wait! That's not all! Two hard objects: circular, black things most assuredly unchewable. Corneas? I spit them out. Meh.

Reflections:

So now I know why squid is prepared in rings. The guts just aren't worth it. There's no real squiddiness to them that can't be tasted through the meat—just bitterness. All in all, whole squid was a disappointment. There's no reason to have the whole squid if you're not a fan of squid guts, and I can't imagine anyone who is.

Pig Liver [Taiwan]

Liver! Yay! If they ever run out of reasons to justify evolution, they can always fall back on the taste of related organs. Common ancestry by taste! Okay that was a stretch; I apologize to the scientists out there. Seriously though, there are remarkable similarities between the Chicken Liver Yakitori I had in Japan and the liver I'm talking about here. If you haven't read that entry, you should. I'll be referencing it for taste…

Taste:

So I've used the ambiguous "sweet soy sauce" line way too many times in describing Asian cuisine, but as I am lacking in culinary expertise, I'm going to have to use it again. Sweet soy sauce is what you taste as the piece enters your mouth. My tongue thought it was tasting a thinly sliced and fried beef jig at first. But then I bit down, and the texture just didn't fit—first, the meat was crazy tender. Then it started melting in my mouth with that hard-boiled-egg feel reminiscent of Chicken Liver. In fact, the texture it was exactly like the chicken liver once my teeth got past the outside of the piece. The only difference in that comparison was the aroma—Chicken Liver Yakitori was much stronger than this Pig Liver dish. However, I'm not sure if that's a result of the cooking style or the nature of the animal.

Reflections:

Surprisingly good. I really like the texture of liver—it's the aroma that sets me off. This type of Pig Liver (preparation?) takes out that aroma, and leaves you with a delicious sauce and a nice texture. Cool stuff.

/sεn/ /hi/ /mi/ /fən/ (Eel and Rice Noodle) [Taiwan]

Move aside vacuum packed imported eel. The real shit is here. So if you've had eel, you've probably had the Japanese version—somewhat doused in teriyaki, sealed up in some plastic jig, and unsealed upon serving on top of rice (sushi or a don-type meal). The Taiwanese version is slightly different—steamed instead of panned (not quite sure on this, but the textures suggest so). Anyway, the tastes are much more subtle in this version, for better or for worse.

Taste:

Very simple. /mi/ /fən/ is a thin rice-based noodle that is virtually tasteless (they make Italian spaghetti noodles a party in the mouth in comparison). Eel, in comparison to fish, is also quite tasteless. Aroma-less and taste-less, this dish would be horrendously bland if not for the sweet soy-based sauce that they douse everything in. It's a weaker form of the vacuum packed, sushi version if you're looking for a reference.

Texture is the key that separates the eel from the rest of its water-dwelling friends. Somewhere between fish and chicken in toughness, the eel also has a unique, meaty crunch given by its thin, edible endoskeleton. Actually, this texture matches the /mi/ /fən/ quite well.

Reflections:

Another yum dish. I think I've been eating too much of the Japanese version though—this sauce lacked potency. Being so used to the Japanese unagi made this eel bland in comparison. Ah well.